Explaining Death to a Child

When a death occurs in the family, one of the foremost concerns for parents is how to break the news to a child. It is our hope, if you find yourself in that heart-ache position, that you will find some clear and practical guidance here. Let the following suggestions guide you.

1. TELL YOUR CHILD ABOUT THE DEATH

Do not try to "protect" your children, or yourself, from the emotional pain you might experience by telling them about a death that has occurred. In their efforts to protect, parents actually aid in handicapping their children from being able to handle death and grief in a healthy manner (Wolfelt, 1998).

2. BE HONEST

Children want to be "told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." (Dougy Center, 1999a). This is especially true for teenagers. Do not try to "protect" your child from the truth. Falsehood and the lack of information will always hurt more.

Tell The Facts. Some children may not need every little detail, but they do deserve to receive factual information that is geared to their developmental level. Tell them that their loved one is "dead". "His body stopped working". "He is not breathing any more and he can not feel, hear, eat, or do any of the things living people can do".

Avoid Euphemisms. Do not tell a child that "Daddy has gone to heaven", "Granddad is asleep", "Aunt Jane has gone to a better place", or "Johnny lost his mother". Young children are very literal in their thinking and "may become needlessly confused" and ask, "When is she coming back?" (Rosen, 1996, p.229). Furthermore, "common cliches can hurt the grief process" (Goldman, 2000, p.40).

Share How You Feel About The Death. Do not be afraid to express your emotions and tears in the presence of children. This will let them know that you are hurting inside too and allow you to comfort each other. You will also teach children by example that it is OK to cry when someone dies. It is normal, natural and healthy. Your children will respect you for being "real".

3. TELL CHILDREN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE 

The best time to tell children about a death in the family is before a death actually occurs. Talking about death is much easier for everyone when there is no death to grieve. Many times though, this is not possible when a death comes unexpectedly. Whenever death occurs, the basic rule of thumb is to tell a child as soon as possible (Dougy Center, 1999a, p.6).

4. TELL CHILDREN IN A FAMILIAR PLACE

Children will feel the most comfortable if they are in a familiar place when they are told of a death.  The idea is to minimize as many of the negative variables as we can when talking to children about things that may make them upset. It is worth taking the extra few minutes to tell children when they are at home or in some other familiar setting.

5. LET CHILDREN HEAR IT FROM SOMEONE THEY LOVE AND TRUST

It is not best to ask a doctor or nurse at the hospital to tell children that their loved one has died. A trusted family member should tell the children face-to-face in a calm setting. "When children get the news from a stranger, what is already a painful moment is sometimes made worse" (Dougy Center, 1999a, p.7).

6. TELL CHILDREN ACCORDING TO THEIR DEVELOPMENTAL NEEDS

Children do not understand death like adults do. Likewise, the understanding of death develops along with age and emotional development. It is therefore important to understand developmental issues related to death so that we can appropriately assist children through the grief process (Goldman, 2000).

As you explain the death to your children, no matter the age, the most important thing to do is listen in a manner that assures them of your love and acceptance. Allow them to express their thoughts and feelings openly with you. Be someone they can talk to without feeling put down or intimidated.

Much of the information in these suggestions can be found in the books written by The Dougy Center: The National Center for Grieving Children & Families. We recommend the books of The Dougy Center very highly for anyone looking for resources in regard to helping children with grief. Their entire book list is available on-line at www.dougy.org.

In addition, Supporting Kidds is a tremendous organization dedicated to assisting grieving children and their families. They are located locally here in Wilmington and, among many other services, they have a free lending library and a list of recommended books for grieving children and the adults who care for them. Supporting Kidds can be reached by calling (302) 235-5544 or online at www.supportingkidds.org.

1. Bacon, J. B. (1996). Support groups for bereaved children. In Corr, C. A., & Corr, D. M. (Eds.), Handbook of childhood death and bereavement (pp. 285-304). New York: Springer Publishing Company.
2. Dougy Center (1997). Helping children cope with death. Portland, OR: The Dougy Center For Grieving Children.
3. Dougy Center (1999a). What about the kids? Understanding their needs in funeral planning and services. Portland, OR: The Dougy Center For Grieving Children.
4. Dougy Center (1999b). Helping teens cope with death. Portland, OR: The Dougy Center For Grieving Children.
5. Goldman, L. (2000). Life and loss: A guide to help grieving children (2nd. ed.). Philadelphia: Taylor & Francis.
6. Rosen, E. J. (1996). The family as healing resource. In Corr, C. A., & Corr, D. M. (Eds.), Handbook of childhood death and bereavement (pp. 223-243). New York: Springer Publishing Company.
7. Wolfelt, A. (1998). Helping children cope with grief. Bristol, PA: Accelerated Development, Inc.